Although I thought I was ready, I was not even close to being prepared to cope with a toddler and a newborn at the same time.
When we brought my daughter home from the hospital, two days after she was born, my son wasn’t yet three.
My son already adored his little sister. He had watched her lovingly in the hospital and wanted to help with holding her. He did not display one twinge of jealousy.
I was also very proud of myself as I got my family ready to handle a toddler and a newborn. I mean I had managed to have my son completely toilet-trained a month before his sister arrived. I was a total supermom on that first car ride.
I laugh now when I think of how under control I thought everything was. I cannot believe that I looked at my son, all of 2 years and 8 months of him, and believed he was man enough to help make the transition of an entire extra human being in our house, a smooth one.
I found out quickly that this new stage in our family’s life was going to be filled with joy and gratitude and so many beautiful memories.
But having a toddler and a newborn was definitely not going to be easy. In fact, it was going to be downright hard. And exhausting. And oozing with mom guilt. But I also learned that the hard stuff was going to be temporary and there were ways to make it easier until we got to the other side.
5 Tips for Coping with a Toddler and Newborn
Here are some of the top things you can do to keep everybody sane while coping with a toddler and a newborn.
Tip 1: Make Your House EXTRA Toddler and Newborn Proof
You may think you have already baby-proofed and then toddler-proofed your house, but do it again. Go overboard. If you think you may be getting a little crazy with it or taking too many safety measures, don’t let that stop you. Do it anyway.
Then create an area in your home where you can sit on a couch and see every spot your toddler may wander to. If possible, have a space where you can also see him from the kitchen.
You are going to be busy. Very, very busy. And you will not be able to jump up and run to your toddler as quickly as you used to when it was just the two of you. You may be in the middle of breastfeeding your newborn. Or you may have your newborn laying with an open diaper filled with poop.
Moms are amazing multi-taskers but you will be a step or two slower than you used to be. Make sure your house is set up to keep your toddler safe while you gather up everything and run to him.
Tip 2: Give Your Toddler Something Just For Him
Having a little “me” time isn’t just for us. Your toddler is a real person now, with real ideas and emotions. Even if he loves having a new sibling, there are still other things he would like to do that don’t involve playing in his special area with you and baby.
He needs something that is just for him.
If you can swing it, enroll your toddler in a preschool for a few hours a day. If you can’t do preschool, find some friends who might be willing to help out and take him once in a while to play with their kids.
This will give him a chance to be with friends. He’ll also have a chance to let loose a little bit so that he gets it out of his system before he comes home. This will also give you a few hours to focus on and bond with your newest child away from the jealous eyes of your toddler.
Tip 3: Make Your Toddler Part Of The Plan
Your toddler will feel more important and less jealous if he feels that he is your helper in taking care of your newborn.
Talk to him about what the two of you are doing to get ready for the day. Ask him to do age-appropriate tasks like going to the baby’s room to get a diaper or getting a toy for the baby. Ask him to tell the baby a story while you are doing a chore.
Do your best to keep your toddler engaged throughout the day. You’re exhausted so it’s easy to disconnect while you get things done around the house. Your toddler can help with lots of tasks. If he feels like you see him, he will be less likely to act out for attention.
Tip 4: Remember How Old Your Toddler Actually Is
When my daughter was born, my son seemed so big. He could run and jump and have conversations. Compared to my daughter, who couldn’t even hold her head up, my son seemed ready to apply to college!
This comparison between your newborn and toddler can become a problem. That feeling that he is so much older comes with expectations for a much older child.
In hindsight, I see that we held my son to a standard of behavior as though he were a middle schooler. But when we tried to reason with him like a middle schooler we only became more frustrated. Have you ever tried to reason with a 2-year-old? It’s not the most productive way to spend your time.
Remember this when your toddler expresses anger, shows siblings rivalry towards the new baby, or when he is being plain difficult. It was a very short time ago that he was a baby himself. Treat him like that. He is still your baby. Make sure your expectations of him are age appropriate.
Tip 5: Be Gentle with Yourself While Coping With a Toddler and a Newborn
A good enough mom is more than enough right now. Cut yourself some slack. You just had a baby. You are going to be exhausted. You are going to be emotional. You are going to be anxious as you learn who this baby is.
The first few months of having a toddler and a baby may be some of the hardest months of your life.
You also just brought an extra person into your house. The equilibrium in your house is going to be thrown off for a while until everybody figures out their new spot. That’s normal.
So when you need to rest, let yourself rest. And when you need to turn on the TV for an hour, forgive yourself and turn it on. You cannot be on your A-game 24 hours a day. And with a toddler and newborn in your house, you could conceivably be parenting 24 hours a day.
I took lots of shortcuts during that transition time in our family. We didn’t always eat as many fruits and vegetables as we should have. I developed a real love of PBS cartoons that I still look back on with fond memories.
Final Thoughts on Coping With a Toddler and a Newborn
Your survival to the end of the day is your number one priority right now. Leave the awards for perfect parenting for another day. For today, just focus on getting to know your new little family.